It's Dark In Here.

A friend once told me "You must be Princess Lorana". For those of you not familiar with the reference princess Lorana is an "alien" in a sense or at least someone from far away who controls the weather with her emotions. 

Its gloomy outside. 

I love the rain. I absolutely Love it. But today for some reason, 

I feel more connected with the sky than I ever have in the past. 

Dark grey clouds billow above my head, Swirling and full of motion. 

Its beautiful. Talk about 50 shades of grey,  

Some spots darker than others, almost bruise like. 

I feel you sky. I feel you. 

People take you and your beauty for granted. 

People look at what you're "giving" them and curse at you. 

You don't provide enough shade, when it's hot.

You don't rain enough, plants are dying. 

You rain too much,  kids cant go outside and play. 

Those same plants are drowning.

You're clear, you're cloudy, you're partial, bright and dreary.

People have expectations of you sky. You cant make everyone happy.

No matter what you do someone will be upset. 

I feel you sky. I feel you. 

There is too much wind sky, I cant breathe. 

There isn't enough wind sky, I really cant breathe.

There is nothing else quite like you sky. 

You need to change, 

You and your un-perfectness are to deep for just anyone to understand.

The pollution people omit that you absorb

The hole you now have, caused by the damage

It's almost too late for repair.

I feel you sky. I feel you.

People paint you in a different light

No matter how bright your sunset is

No matter how wide your sights are set

You should do this, you should do that, 

you're good, you're terrible, you're amazing, you're not right

how does it feel to never just be enough?

All I can say is

I feel you sky. I feel you.

Reaching

In an Interview I was asked "What are your goals"

(um too many to count)

When I think about it, What am I striving for? What am I reaching toward?

There isn't a single thing anyone could ever tell me, to make me stop "reaching". So my answer is usually some work related position that at this moment I desire. My desires change, thus making me reach higher.  I enjoy the climb. 

I do not give up, and I have actually watched myself succeed beyond my own expectation. This fact alone is just one of the dozens of reasons I have for my proof that there is a God. 

So why would I stop reaching ever?

Some could argue that "if I am truly happy, then why am I {reaching} for things to change. "
It's not that I am unhappy. It's more like I am happy but I want to see just how happy I can get - if that makes sense.
Reaching and pushing myself to live life to the absolute fullest, don't let a day go by where you haven't expressed your love for someone. I don't mean romantic love, I mean like love- just as another person to a person I love their presence, and attitude. Basically its putting out love in the world by just being kind and a loving person by nature. So if more Godly love in the world is what I'm reaching for then I stand case in point "no one will ever be able to tell me anything to make me stop reaching"
This is my oath to God- a public oath. I will always know in my heart there is a God, and he is awesome to say the least.
I'm not out here on my psychological soapbox to preach "I'm just sayin"- I feel like someone should make that a sermon series title. Pastor Terry - comon now brainstorm session !
So I will be living each day to the fullest, making the best of any situation is something I have actually gotten better at. Yay!
I will continue to reach, and stretch myself to grow. Each day comes new life experiences, and lessons. And I promise each day I will look at God and (with his help) remain patient with his teaching and my growth.
I am reaching for growth, and to be closer to god and his love. I'd say what other reason is there to live?


Okay I'm jumping off my soapbox train now.

Refuge

My son takes refuge in my comfort. There isn't a day that goes by where my very active three year old son climbs up in my lap just to have me wrap my arms around him tight.

He will squish his arms between the spot where our two bodies meet in the embrace, to experience the most warmth in a hug.

My active boy is a mere three, but I have noticed a few things that I must share. 

Scene: yesterday, cumulus clouds covered the sky overhead, spots of blue peeked through as we stepped onto the play ground. In a flash my son is climbing the steps to the closest slide and he squeals as he slides down. Bursting with laughter he runs over to where I stand and grabs my hand. He's leading me to the same slide. "Mommy slide with me" is a request I always fulfill. We climb to the top and he slides down first- "I'll catch you mom". He slides down and stops just shy of the edge of the slide. His ninja turtle light-up sneakers glow as he stands up on the bottom of the slide and launches himself superhero style off the slide. Now the moments after turned from him extending his arms to "catch" mommy at the bottom to him mid launch taking a turn for the worst and his face making contact with the wooden chunks that take the place of sand. Immediately whimpers strike my ears and like super woman I jumped off the top of the slide and landed on the ground about 3 feet away from my shaken son. Before I even bend down to his mere 38 inches, he is already at my knees looking up at me with his wet eyes just waiting to release the water works. As super mom I give him a brief once over to insure there is no blood or cuts. Once there are no signs of immediate damage to my boy I pull him in for a tight hug and I tell him he is okay. And without argument he says in response "yes, I am okay".


As I reflect I see my son knowing that

• mom will indulge his playtime by joining in like a 3 year old herself

• mom is superwoman 

• mom's embrace will fix the owies

There are countless days where I am hard on myself for being too tough, or being too soft, being not totally involved in playtime, or being overly childish myself. I needed to write this not for YOU but for myself really. I need to come back and read this when I am feeling like I am just not being "good enough" which is almost every day.
I need to remember the moments I share with my son, even the ones where he face plants off of a slide, or pours flour all over my freshly mopped floor. In the world where we are flooded with other peoples lives and the expectation of how parenting should be, how you should react, what to eat, what to do basically in every situation you could possibly imagine. Its overwhelming. I have said it before, and Ill say it again "I'm doing the best I can, and my son is more often happy than upset." I will take that.

The fact that I noticed my son finding relief in my embrace makes me feel like superhero. So if i dont manage to get the meat for dinner defrosted, and its an "every man for themselves" dinnertime - it is okay. Saving and nurturing HIS world is a tough job, but with God's help I am doing an awesome job.

until next time.
-The Real Mommy Tsunami.

Fearfully and Wonderfully made.

So I posted a photo on Instagram. I found it to be quite controversial, at least in my own mind.

I found myself to be beautiful and for me to be shocked about the fact that I couldn't say that about myself easier is quite bizarre -don't ya think?
Im staring at my nails. Bright red. Vixen like. And inside I smile for a moment but then my smile turns into a look of deep in thought. Where a battle is happening within me for the right to think that about myself. Am I basing it off of societies standards or my own. Will someone think my nails are too bright of a red and call me slutty or something? My thoughts go deeper.
I know the truth about myself so why should I care. Thats the problem. Right there. I care. I care too deeply, and I care so much.--Some would call my care: love. I love too deeply, I love too hard...

I was told All my life to live like Jesus would. So why does it shock me that I would love like he did, would, and does love to this day.
As I tap the keys on my computer my mind is becoming happy. This happening because once again God made his presence to me well known in a lesson he guided me to.

He is telling me to absolutely think I am beautiful. Because he made me.
He is telling me that I am doing a good job of trying to stay close to him, and trying to grow my relationship within him.
He is telling me that I am loved.

People will and do look at me like I am crazy when I say I know Gods voice, I can literally hear it.
I am sitting in a relaxed position, the TV is off, my phone is blowing up but I refuse to look at it right now. The window is open next to me and a cool breeze blows in knocking my shades. The smell of wet grass is lingering in the air after this glorious rain we just had. Everything is amazing. Right here right now. I could live in this moment.
God is showing me that I am to love just as he loves. Which is everybody. No matter your PAST, or your PRESENT or your FUTURE. He LOVES YOU. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) see that YOU ARE WONDERFUL. You. Yes you. The person reading this. You are darn Wonderful!
And guess what I love you. I don't even know you as well as God knows you (and he knows you're wonderful too) but I still love you.
So to end my thought. I am beautiful. And so are you. Make-up no Make-up, Fit or Un-fit, tattooed or not, Long hair, short hair. We are all beautiful. Because I am Fearfully (Awesomely) and Wonderfully made.

So I am a woman, therefore I have breasts.

As time goes on I see a constant battle between my clothing and my boobs. 

As a curvy girl who remains active- 

I am not about to lie down and take the "you must change what you are wearing" bit simply because a man cannot control himself and is placing the blame on me for his own eyes and thoughts. 

I found this blog post that I really appreciate and agree with.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/worldview/christian-cleavage-probably-isnt-problem

 From a biblical standpoint and everything-- please do not blame me for your eyes, or your thoughts. God tells us to take those thoughts captive and it's our own job- not the other person, place or thing.  

Things I have learned since college.

Things I have realized since leaving college:

1. I stole from my own education. At my college we were allowed to take 4 days off per semester per class for say, family emergencies, sick...etc without penalization. I mean if I missed a test my grades would be penalized... If I missed too many days I would automatically fail the class. Well I remember taking all four days off every semester "just because". I literally stole from my own education. What I probably missed those days that were taken off was probably one of the creative challenges that I have had to face the hard way like after college. 

2. I have a really bad habit of learning things the hard way. Maybe that's what life's trials are really what it's all about. We are learning things the hard way. We're constantly looking backward too- so imagine our life an avatar (person). Imagine it walking down the street and it's constantly looking over its shoulder not once looking ahead (I.e seeing a problem coming) -- or even taking a moment to see what's around her/him right now. 

Can you see where I went with that? 

Stop looking to the past. Enjoy what's around your present, occasionally glance forward to see if problems are coming? Because problems come... No matter what. 

3. I have had three amazing #1 teachers since high school. But two were in college.

 Huge shout out to Ms. Serena Mason and her stellar history class. She made me view history differently and I owe it to her- so I am shouting it from the rooftops! Read the newspaper daily! You will never be talking to someone ever and lack something to talk about. There is more to history than just dates and names. There was emotion, feeling, passion, and our own discovery as Americans. This woman means a lot to me. If she doesn't to you it's either because you haven't really ever met her (but come on from what I said she is pretty freakin' cool), any other reason is unacceptable and we wouldn't be able to be friends. 

Let's not do that to ourselves - we should just be friends. Anyway-- I love you Ms. Mason! Don't ever change. 

(Oh sorry for the very probable grammar mistakes you are probably noticing and going "ugh ms. Florio"... By the way it's Mrs. Sturdevant now.)

Mrs. Michelle Post

My class experience one again was a spiritual journey and a passionate one. I stepped out of my box in a way that proclaimed my dislike for the way that we weren't allowed to talk about (or say for that matter) "God". I demanded my professor say it because I wanted her to and frankly was willing to go all the way to the dean of the college if someone had a problem. Michelle gave me the movie "Facing the Giants." And thanked me. I cried during that movie and I still have it and show people it when ever I get the chance. Thanks to Michelle for all of that and forever will be apart of my spiritual journey.

 

Ed Popvitz

Creatively he was an inspiration and someone who introduced me to some other designers too. He might think he was just a "teacher" but I strictly  remember pulling the most out of my design career from this man. Technique, and versatility, folding variations, oh and how to eat a cupcake properly. If I could go back or even to one of his classes now I would plead with the people in there to listen to this man and to take notes! He knows what he is talking about!  

So far that's all I have gathered that I feel I need to share. 

New Normal

A lot of people ask me "How did you turn out so normal?" Quite often. My answer was God. Always has and always will be. However today I had sort of an epiphany. I am by no means "Normal" by what society deems. Maybe that's why I feel so rejected all the time and automatically assume rejection before I actually have proof. Constantly struggling with the negative or paranoid side of me-- these things are not understood as normal alone and they are the product of what I feel is rejection the said thing making me think I am not normal. More not-normal-ness

Did I lose you?

I'm sorry. I rant you see and even now as I type this I wonder what some stranger across the United States will think of me if by any chance they read this... My automatic assumption is they will hate me. The cocky side of me wants to keep saying  they will love me so much that it causes them to hate me but that's on a much deeper level and we won't get into that.

My emotions are something that makes me feel like me. If I am feeling "dead" inside I am feeling emotionless. I am passionate And I feel that is a quality that some people have lost... And I just so happen to grow up with some trivial people who "normally" influence an individual's life in were direct and immediate contact with me through my entire life who were in fact "passionless". 

Sorry but I'm not sorry. Did I make you question our relationship and make you wonder if I'm talking about you? If that thought even crossed your mind I want you to follow up your own subconscious questions with this one: What are you to your very core passionate about? Now I said to your core. CORE. You can be passionate about your children because you brought them to life... Sure. But is that the real answer you're going to go with?  If you came up with an answer to the passion question and you're sure that I couldn't be talking about you then we solved it-- I'm not taking about you. I am going to digress...

I think "normally" THAT much direct contact with people who are supposed to represent what "normal" is-- will completely deflate any sort of passion within you almost "naturally". Or instinctively if you feel that it's necessary for survival. 

I managed to find my passion early... And at first it was extremely secretive, but it allowed me harvest and grow my abilities and I may not put all my work in Facebook, or my portfolio websites for eyes to see but I certainly am learning constantly and still growing my talent.

God led me to people who would plant more seeds, and encourage me to grow.  

God saves me before during and after trial and tribulation. Before: creating nerves to withstand- a heart to stand up- and the mind to speak. During: just making sure I didn't get too much to bring me to the end of my sanity and life to be honest. And after : using me as a guide for someone who he will design similar to me. I shouldn't be the way I am to most people because they haven't been through what I have, they haven't seen the things I have, they haven't felt the hurt that I have. Not that my hurt is better or greater than yours it's just MY hurt. So putting themselves briefly in my shoes leads them to the conclusion that I shouldn't be normal. 

Im here to tell you folks My god is so good like that. So no, I am not normal, and I'm proud of that. I wouldn't change it for the world. But to those who have asked me that or stated something similar along those lines to me- after hearing my story and seeing what I do, for my self and other people, how even though I thoroughly I believe in the "do unto others as you would have done unto  yourself" so deliberately hurting others is a tragedy in my eyes-- how could you look at me after all of that and not believe in anything not even God? I feel like I should be posting some verse of "blindly following God" up here. Believing in him is the start. Stories like mine he created to start in your mind that very process. 

Plant the seed.

Now he's going to water it. 

http://youtu.be/DUvHO33iaxg

"Let it grow , let it grow"

This is going to be my "New normal" post.

I wrote. Just a little something.

When I write it comes in all sorts of different forms. Lately it has been a lot of poetry. I would like to take a moment and share one of my poems that I wrote for about one of the best places on earth. 

When I was a child I went here often. Never once do I remember not enjoying every single minute of My time spent there. 

The imaginative abilities of the people who work there are astounding and I cannot wait until I can afford to take my son to experience it. 

Disney World this is my poem written exclusively for you.

When I leave my world behind

An amazing adventure is what I'll find

Where colors dance and people smile

Everyone is fashionable and has vibrant style

Children laugh as their minds soar 

Through the streets to any open door

Where you can find treats to tickle your fancy

Check out the parade times, you'll become antsy

To experience the life and the fun

They bring out in just about everyone

Take a journey to this distant land

Where boring hides and imagination takes a stand

Seriousness disappears while creativity flies

Sadness will fall away and inspiration will rise

Stepping into this wondrous place can put a smile instantly on your face

In the real world no one stops everyone is busy

That's why I wish I could shake the hand of Walt Disney 

For him creating all this from a dream

I would truly be honored to be on his team 

To continue making these dreams come true 

To be apart of the amazing cast-member crew

Would be a dream, like no other

I wish I could be granted a fairy god mother

Just until midnight like a princess we all know

I'd make my wish, I know where I'll go

To the place where imagination and love are swirled 

Out of all my wishes, I'd go to Walt Disney world.

So I had these peaches...

I thought about what to do with some peaches on the counter here at home, and I came up with this sweet dessert. You will never guess what MYSTERY addition is in this dish. :)

What you will need:

2 ripe peaches

2 cans Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

2 sticks of butter

1 and a half cups of Sugar

1 Teaspoon Vanilla

Powder sugar

1 can of Mountain dew (yep!)

Cinnamon

(I also used a Cinnamon Sugar grinder)

So this is really easy. 

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. 

Butter a 9x13 pan. Peel your peaches (potato peelers work great!) and pit them. Next cut each peach   Into 8 slices each (16 total). 

Next open up your Pillsbury crescent rolls, 

place a peach in a single crescent roll, 

sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on the peach 

and roll it up. 

Continue for all peach slices. Place each one in the buttered pan. They are going to be close and touching. 

Next your going to melt the two sticks of butter in a bowl and add the sugar stir. Next add the vanilla and mix again. 

Then pour over the crescent rolls. 

 Pour the can of Mountain Dew around the edges of the pan.  (You can see that I have a whole 20 oz bottle- but I measured out 12 ounces) 

Next I sprinkled some powdered sugar and cinnamon on the tops of the mixture.

Stick it in the oven for 40 minutes. 

It was amazingly good.

As soon as you take your dish out you will see liquid at the bottom the of the pan. I promise it's okay and won't taste bad! It will be soaked up as soon as it starts to cool. 

ENJOY!

Fried rice!

So this girl ventured into cooking fried rice! I found a recipe on Pinterest and then I tried it. I love that website. 

So enough jabber let's get down to it. 

You will need: 

3 Tbs Sesame seed oil

1 cup of the mixed peas and carrots thawed 

1/2 an onion or one whole smaller one

2 teaspoons minced garlic

2 eggs 

3 cups (cooked) white rice. I made mine right away but the website I went off of said to use day old rice because it works best. 

1/4 cup soy sauce (I did use the less sodium soy sauce and it still tasted great) 

Start off with your burner on medium-high heat. Use either a large skillet or wok. (I used a large skillet) Add in your sesame seed oil and let it heat up a little. Then add your mixed veggies, garlic, and onion sautée until soft. This is the part where if you needed to cook some white rice (because you don't have any leftovers)- do it. I just used minute rice. Three cups of that stuff is 1 and a half cups of uncooked rice and 1 and a half cups of water. Follow their cooking instructions on rice. I find that 5 minutes does not get y rice the right texture so I usually wait about 8 minutes until I am at fluffy consistency. 

In a bowl LIGHTLY scramble the eggs (don't go all crazy now). In the pan push the veggies, garlic and onion over to one side and pour your lightly scrambled egg on the empty side of the pan. This part sould only take about a minute but you are cooking the egg-scrambling it. Once it's no longer runny you mix all of it together. Turn your heat down to medium-low. By this time I am

Pretty sure your rice is either about done or completely done- so were going to just pour it in the skillet. If you want to follow it just like me then you don't even mix it yet- pour over the soy sauce then mix it all up. Now all you are waitin for is it to be heated thoroughly. 

I am pretty sure I you used leftover rice then you would be waiting for it to heat up but since our new rice was just made it's basically done unless you want the flavors to mingle ;) a bit. Viola!!!

Inspiration in the deep

So I took a trip

This weekend my family as myself gathered in a cabin in the woods in the mountains. Naturally the paranoid me was nervous to be far from a cell phone connection and access to a hospital. The drive up the mountain was spectacular. The sights are inspiring 

Take a look:

We also ventured to take some family photos in what was referred to as "art alley" take a look at what I created from what I saw:

You know of the sermons I have listened to since being in the car for 5 hours and needing to feed my soul the "good stuff" 

I realized just about every sermon I listened to involved mountains. About Jesus going to the mountains, about disciples going as well and I thought "wow, here I go -to a mountain- and I wider in what way will God speak to me?"

Well I'll tell you-  I took in some beautiful sights, I got to see my son laugh and have wholesome fun, I took photos and turned them into some form of inspirational photos (or what have you), and I just wrote a song. 

I took some emotions, fears, and turned them around into a song. I don't know if the song will be shared but it might one day of that's how it works out. 

Now I'm wondering : When am I going to take another trip? :) 

Cheesy Chicken Enchiladas

Okay so after feeding this to numerous people I have gotten enough requests for the recipe and raves about how yummy it is to put it on my blog.

Are you sure you can handle all the cheesy-ness?
Buckle up.

Ingredients
1 lb boneless chicken breasts
1 large can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup
1 large bag of cheddar cheese
1 regular size bag of monterey jack cheese (you can absolutely choose a different cheese here like pepper jack, or another cheddar, or mozzarella)
1  small can of green chiles
1 small container of sour cream
1 table spoon garlic powder
1 table spoon pepper
1/2 tablespoon of salt
1 tablespoon of cilantro
1 tablespoon of oregano
approx. 6 tortillas LARGE


This is what you do!
1.  Were actually going to boil this chicken. So chop it up into chunks. and drop it into boiling water. You can certainly season the water. I usually put minced garlic in there with it. But you don't have to --I just love garlic.

2.  Depending on the chunk size of your chicken- it could take anywhere from 5-10 minutes for the chicken to be cooked. After it is cooked drain out the water (leaving the chicken in the pot still) and place back on burner. Reduce heat to medium or medium low.

3.  Add the large can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup in the pot and mix.

 

4. Next add your seasonings

5.  Then add your green chiles to the mixture.

6. Then add the sour cream. 

7.  It will be simmering after a short while and then you add half the bag of cheddar cheese and mix. You will only need about a minute till it's melted and bubbling hot.

8.  Now grab yourself a large casserole pan. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. open your tortillas. Your going to palm it. Like so: 

9.  Now your going to spoon the mixture from the pot into the tortilla center. And about 6 table spoons later were going to wrap it up and place it seam side down inside the casserole dish working from left to right filling it in takes approximately 5 to 7 tortillas wrapped. 

  My casserole dish was smaller so it only took 5 folded ones.

10.  What ever sauce mix was left I out on too of all the tortillas and spread it around. 

11.  Then cover it with the rest I the cheddar and half the bag of the other cheese you selected- in my case Monterey Jack cheese. 

12.  Put it in the oven for about 20 minutes. And boom----

 You are so welcome.

Ps. Thank you to J.R. ( and his mom) for sharing a variation of this recipe with me!!