It's Dark In Here.

A friend once told me "You must be Princess Lorana". For those of you not familiar with the reference princess Lorana is an "alien" in a sense or at least someone from far away who controls the weather with her emotions. 

Its gloomy outside. 

I love the rain. I absolutely Love it. But today for some reason, 

I feel more connected with the sky than I ever have in the past. 

Dark grey clouds billow above my head, Swirling and full of motion. 

Its beautiful. Talk about 50 shades of grey,  

Some spots darker than others, almost bruise like. 

I feel you sky. I feel you. 

People take you and your beauty for granted. 

People look at what you're "giving" them and curse at you. 

You don't provide enough shade, when it's hot.

You don't rain enough, plants are dying. 

You rain too much,  kids cant go outside and play. 

Those same plants are drowning.

You're clear, you're cloudy, you're partial, bright and dreary.

People have expectations of you sky. You cant make everyone happy.

No matter what you do someone will be upset. 

I feel you sky. I feel you. 

There is too much wind sky, I cant breathe. 

There isn't enough wind sky, I really cant breathe.

There is nothing else quite like you sky. 

You need to change, 

You and your un-perfectness are to deep for just anyone to understand.

The pollution people omit that you absorb

The hole you now have, caused by the damage

It's almost too late for repair.

I feel you sky. I feel you.

People paint you in a different light

No matter how bright your sunset is

No matter how wide your sights are set

You should do this, you should do that, 

you're good, you're terrible, you're amazing, you're not right

how does it feel to never just be enough?

All I can say is

I feel you sky. I feel you.

Reaching

In an Interview I was asked "What are your goals"

(um too many to count)

When I think about it, What am I striving for? What am I reaching toward?

There isn't a single thing anyone could ever tell me, to make me stop "reaching". So my answer is usually some work related position that at this moment I desire. My desires change, thus making me reach higher.  I enjoy the climb. 

I do not give up, and I have actually watched myself succeed beyond my own expectation. This fact alone is just one of the dozens of reasons I have for my proof that there is a God. 

So why would I stop reaching ever?

Some could argue that "if I am truly happy, then why am I {reaching} for things to change. "
It's not that I am unhappy. It's more like I am happy but I want to see just how happy I can get - if that makes sense.
Reaching and pushing myself to live life to the absolute fullest, don't let a day go by where you haven't expressed your love for someone. I don't mean romantic love, I mean like love- just as another person to a person I love their presence, and attitude. Basically its putting out love in the world by just being kind and a loving person by nature. So if more Godly love in the world is what I'm reaching for then I stand case in point "no one will ever be able to tell me anything to make me stop reaching"
This is my oath to God- a public oath. I will always know in my heart there is a God, and he is awesome to say the least.
I'm not out here on my psychological soapbox to preach "I'm just sayin"- I feel like someone should make that a sermon series title. Pastor Terry - comon now brainstorm session !
So I will be living each day to the fullest, making the best of any situation is something I have actually gotten better at. Yay!
I will continue to reach, and stretch myself to grow. Each day comes new life experiences, and lessons. And I promise each day I will look at God and (with his help) remain patient with his teaching and my growth.
I am reaching for growth, and to be closer to god and his love. I'd say what other reason is there to live?


Okay I'm jumping off my soapbox train now.

Refuge

My son takes refuge in my comfort. There isn't a day that goes by where my very active three year old son climbs up in my lap just to have me wrap my arms around him tight.

He will squish his arms between the spot where our two bodies meet in the embrace, to experience the most warmth in a hug.

My active boy is a mere three, but I have noticed a few things that I must share. 

Scene: yesterday, cumulus clouds covered the sky overhead, spots of blue peeked through as we stepped onto the play ground. In a flash my son is climbing the steps to the closest slide and he squeals as he slides down. Bursting with laughter he runs over to where I stand and grabs my hand. He's leading me to the same slide. "Mommy slide with me" is a request I always fulfill. We climb to the top and he slides down first- "I'll catch you mom". He slides down and stops just shy of the edge of the slide. His ninja turtle light-up sneakers glow as he stands up on the bottom of the slide and launches himself superhero style off the slide. Now the moments after turned from him extending his arms to "catch" mommy at the bottom to him mid launch taking a turn for the worst and his face making contact with the wooden chunks that take the place of sand. Immediately whimpers strike my ears and like super woman I jumped off the top of the slide and landed on the ground about 3 feet away from my shaken son. Before I even bend down to his mere 38 inches, he is already at my knees looking up at me with his wet eyes just waiting to release the water works. As super mom I give him a brief once over to insure there is no blood or cuts. Once there are no signs of immediate damage to my boy I pull him in for a tight hug and I tell him he is okay. And without argument he says in response "yes, I am okay".


As I reflect I see my son knowing that

• mom will indulge his playtime by joining in like a 3 year old herself

• mom is superwoman 

• mom's embrace will fix the owies

There are countless days where I am hard on myself for being too tough, or being too soft, being not totally involved in playtime, or being overly childish myself. I needed to write this not for YOU but for myself really. I need to come back and read this when I am feeling like I am just not being "good enough" which is almost every day.
I need to remember the moments I share with my son, even the ones where he face plants off of a slide, or pours flour all over my freshly mopped floor. In the world where we are flooded with other peoples lives and the expectation of how parenting should be, how you should react, what to eat, what to do basically in every situation you could possibly imagine. Its overwhelming. I have said it before, and Ill say it again "I'm doing the best I can, and my son is more often happy than upset." I will take that.

The fact that I noticed my son finding relief in my embrace makes me feel like superhero. So if i dont manage to get the meat for dinner defrosted, and its an "every man for themselves" dinnertime - it is okay. Saving and nurturing HIS world is a tough job, but with God's help I am doing an awesome job.

until next time.
-The Real Mommy Tsunami.